I noticed he wore black pants and a shirt. A badge was pinned to his shirt with the words - Guard, Spirit World engraved on it. He looked at me and said, "I cannot let you enter without an ID. This is Foetus Villa, only for foetus spirits."
"I am here to see my daughter. She arrived here many years ago," I said.
"There is a waiting list. You need to go to Spirit Headquarters first. They will instruct you about the procedure to meet spirits in this Villa," said the guard.
I drifted back to Elderly Villa, wondering how long I had to wait to see my daughter's face. I was still getting used to seeing other spirits wearing dresses like their human self. I always imagined spirits to be formless.
The room I was assigned had two wooden photo frames nailed to each wall. I was asked to occupy an empty photo frame on the wall opposite the door. At the ceiling, an orangish-yellow flame suspended in mid-air, which burned brightly and illuminated the entire room.
"Nethra, did you see her?" asked the lady from one of the photo frames as I entered the room.
"No, they don't let anyone inside without an ID. I need to visit Spirit Headquarters."
"I said the same thing when you arrived here a week ago, but you never listened. A few of us are going to Spirit Headquarters tomorrow. Would you like to join? You could ask for the procedure to meet your daughter," she said.
I nodded in acceptance.
***
The next day, a few spirits from my room and I drifted towards Spirit Headquarters. From a distance, I saw an enormous tree with long ash-coloured branches. As we got closer, I saw countless white leaves overlapping each other on the branch. It looked like mini trees had been growing on a giant tree. I spotted some white leaves departing the tree and a few green and red ones arriving. We passed through the tree’s thick bark, which looked like ash from a burnt pyre had been glued onto the tree's outer layer.
On the inside, there were counters all around the tree’s base. I noticed long lines of spirits waiting in front of them. I looked up and saw a massive network of interlinked branches. I watched as yellow leaves wandered around the tree’s interior. We joined a queue and waited. When I reached the counter, I was assigned a yellow leaf. It escorted me to a branch.
In an animated voice, the leaf assigned to me said, "Names of your family members who are alive are carved on the branch. When you touch any of them, a bubble pops up above the names, and you can watch what that member is doing in the living world."
The yellow leaf swayed towards a white leaf and continued, "If you need to meet spirits in the Villas, touch the white leaf with their names on it. That particular leaf will carry a request to the spirit. If the leaf returns to Headquarters with a green shade, information will be sent to you along with an ID. You will be given a designated time slot to meet the spirit. If the leaf returns with a red shade, the spirit is not yet ready to meet, and you need to wait."
I let my hand hover over the names of my husband Harsh, my son Rishi and his wife which were carved on one of the branches. I moved to the end of the branch and searched for a white leaf with my daughter's name.
I turned towards the yellow leaf and asked, "I didn't get to name my daughter in the living world. She is at Foetus Villa. I do not see her name here. How do I send a request to meet her?"
The yellow leaf pointed downwards at the tree's root and said, "Unwanted or abandoned lives have strange memories of the living world when they arrive in Spirit World. Some have no names and details about their family."
The yellow leaf started to move towards the counter at the base of the tree. It signalled for me to follow. It continued, "Their memories are copied and turned into threads. Those spirits are then sent to their respective Villas. Threads are sent to a memory field below the roots of the tree. They stay there until someone comes along to identify them. These threads will then help a white leaf to carry your request to the spirit you want to meet."
The leaf and I travelled through the tree's veins and reached its roots. We stopped at one of the root branches that opened into a huge field. I saw black strands of thread scampering around making squeaking sounds. The leaf handed me a tiny glass object resembling a brain. It said, "I cannot go further. You need to enter the memory field and match the memories you have of your daughter with the memory threads you see running around. Once you find the threads, place them in the grooves of the brain. I will wait here for you."
I hung onto every word the leaf said. I stood still for a moment. What if I am unable to find the threads? Will my daughter want to meet me? What will I tell her? I could sense fear travel through my body. I tried to focus on the memories of my daughter and stepped into the memory field. I heard voices whimpering out of threads, along with frequent loud cries, silent sobs, and clanking of instruments.
I touched one of the threads. The squeaking sounds stopped, and I heard human conversations.
"Congratulations, it's a girl," said a male voice.
"We cannot take her home. Tell Geeta the baby didn't survive. She has already given us two girls. I was expecting a boy this time," said a female voice.
Whining and sobbing sounds filled the memory field again. I touched another thread and heard another conversation.
"Doctor, is it a boy or a girl?" asked a male voice.
"It's too early to tell at this stage. When you and your wife visit for the next ultrasound appointment, bring the additional things I mentioned," said another male voice.
"I need more time to arrange the money, doctor," pleaded the earlier male voice.
My hands shivered at the thought of touching the next thread. I was afraid of what the conversations would reveal. I saw millions of threads, and it seemed impossible to continue touching each one to identify them. I clenched the glass brain in my hand. I stared at the threads and tried to recollect that day’s events.
I had smelled something similar to floor cleaners in the air that day. I had taken a deep breath to identify the smell, and a stench of antiseptic hit my nostrils. It had taken a few seconds for my foggy brain to realise that I was on a bed in the clinic.
Harsh had finished milking cows and watering paddy fields. I had packed a few dry chapatis and chutney pudi in a steel box. We all had travelled by bus to the private clinic on the outskirts of Kamalahalli village for my fifth-month ultrasound scan. It had been past noon when we reached the clinic. We had been waiting outside the doctor's room when my mother-in-law reminded Harsh to buy a baby Krishna idol from the market on our way back home. She had heard from the local priest that for Janmashtami if one offered prayers, Lord Krishna would bless us with a son.
During the scanning that afternoon, the doctor had informed the child would be female. I had turned my head towards Harsh only to notice that he and his mother had left the room. After a few minutes, I had been wheeled to the operating room for the procedure.
As I looked around the memory field, I noticed a thread glowing. It changed from black to grey. I drifted towards it and touched it. I again heard human conversations. This time I hoped to recognize the voices.
"Where is Harsh? Where is Neha?" My voice filled the memory field.
"Harsh is outside the ward, talking to the nurse about the medicines, and who is Neha?" echoed my mother-in-law's voice.
"My daughter. Your granddaughter. I wanted to name her Neha. I know that you and Harsh are upset. But… the baby was mine too. She - " My voice sounded low as if I had told that to myself lying on the bed that day.
"I would have preferred a grandson. The day Harsh married you, Nethra, I knew our misfortunes had begun. You did not fast and pray enough." my mother-in-law's voice followed immediately.
The memory field was silent for a brief moment. I thought the thread had no more voices in it.
A few seconds later, I heard my mother-in-law's voice "Harsh worked odd jobs to arrange the money with which he could convince the doctor to reveal the gender of the child and also for the operation. The girl would have brought more misfortunes to the family. Now that the curse has been removed, you both must visit the temple in the neighbouring village and pray. Our home will echo with my grandson's laughter at least by next Janmashtami."
I had tried hard to ignore my mother-in-law's words that day. But they had entered my ears and cluttered my brain. Her voice had pushed down my own thoughts, my voice, and my strength. I had closed my eyes, clenched the bedspread and buried my pain and tears.
The whining sounds of other memory threads in the field increased. I gently picked up the memory thread that had changed its colour to grey and placed it in one of the grooves of the glass brain. I had to find one more thread. I looked back and was glad to see that the yellow leaf was still waiting for me.
I tried to remember how Harsh had walked into the ward that day. He had folded reports and prescriptions in his hands. He had stood in silence next to my bed. I had seen him glance at me and look away towards the door.
I looked around the memory field to check if any of the threads were glowing. At the corner of the field, I could see one of them struggling to glow. I drifted towards the thread and touched it.
Harsh’s voice said, "They will discharge you tomorrow. I will come in the morning. Amma will stay with you tonight."
"But Harsh… our daughter…" I heard my voice fade away.
I picked up the thread and placed it in the groove. I drifted back to the yellow leaf and handed over the glass brain to it. We travelled up through veins and reached the family branch. The yellow leaf attached a new white leaf to the brain and instructed it to take the brain to Foetus Villa.
The yellow leaf turned towards me and said, "You can head back to your Villa. You will be informed if your daughter agrees to meet you."
***
After a couple of days, I drifted towards Foetus Villa wearing an hourglass ID around my neck that I received from the Spirit Headquarters. I saw that the walls here were light pink with tiny white flowers drawn at the base. I stopped in front of the Villa. How should I greet her? Should I call her by her name? Will she allow me to hug her? What if she decides not to talk after seeing me?
I thought of the memory threads and their sounds in the Headquarters. I no longer wanted my daughter to be unidentified or unwanted. I slowly headed towards the waiting room. I opened the door. I saw a foetus spirit sitting on a chair. I gently knocked on the already open door and saw the foetus spirit slowly lift its head.
"Are you my mother? Is your name Nethra?" she asked.
"Yes" My voice trembled. I drifted towards the table. I sat on the chair across from her. I watched her tiny fingers which were not yet developed completely, curling around the glass brain that was sent from the Headquarters. I saw her small eyes which were not yet opened fully and thought if she was able to see me.
She leaned back in her chair, brought her hands closer to her body and said, “I know what you are thinking. I can see you, though my eyes are not fully opened. I always thought about what I would have looked like if I grew up to be an adult.”
"You would have looked beautiful like Radhe," I said and rested my hands on the table. I waited in the hope that she would hold them.
"You were supposed to give birth to me. But then others decided they didn't want a girl. As the anaesthesia clouded you, I was pulled out of you like a weed from a paddy field. Nobody even looked at me. I was cremated with two other foetuses that same day. No name. No details. No funeral." She said everything in a single breath.
I stared down at my hand and searched for words. I looked at her. "I had no say in the decision. Your father and grandmother wanted a son." I swallowed the lump in my throat. She looked at me after every question and looked away after hearing each answer.
She moved towards the edge of the chair, leaned towards me and said, "I was aborted like millions of other foetuses here. I didn't see the world where babies are born and get to live. I didn't get a chance to survive. I never crawled or ran on the ground. I don't know how you smell or what your touch feels like. Nobody wanted me in that world so why have you come to see me in the Spirit World?"
I stood up from my chair and dragged it closer to hers. I sat on the chair. She did not look away or step down from her chair. I bent and kissed her tiny head. I kissed her pink nose. I put both arms around her and said, "I love you. I never got to say or do any of these things in the other world. I am here now."
The hourglass ID around my neck beeped twice, indicating that there were only a few more minutes left in my time slot. I kissed her forehead and stood up to leave the room. I drifted towards the door.
"Amma, what would have been my name?" she asked.
I turned back and saw her looking at me. I moved a little towards the table and answered, "Neha. I wanted to name you Neha." This time, she did not look away. I saw her tiny lips repeating the name to herself.
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